


40's Junction

by AngeliqueH



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, And a bit of fluff at the end, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awesome Howling Commandos (mention), Awesome Shuri (Marvel), Bucky Barnes Recovering, Disabled Character, First Dance, First Kiss, Gay Bucky Barnes, Gay Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Musical References, Mute Bucky Barnes, Okay lots of fluff at the end, One arm Bucky Barnes, POV Steve Rogers, Partial amnesia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Presumed Dead, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Secret Relationship, Shuri experimental serum, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers gives up his shield, Steve Rogers remembers, They finally get the end they deserve, Wakanda, memories of war, music fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-03 23:43:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15829350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngeliqueH/pseuds/AngeliqueH
Summary: Steve takes Bucky’s hand and rubs it gently before kissing it softly. That's when he notices the music playing in the background. Long-forgotten memories flood his heart with the force of a river in spring.  After long minutes, Steve clears his throat and begins.“Your name is James Buchannan Barnes. You were born on March 10th, 1917…”…The Winter Soldier is found near death. Steve Rogers remembers the life they shared before and during the war to the rhythm of the 40’s music radio station, and James Bucky Barnes’ long recovery begins.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my wonderful beta Tracy7307. Typos are all mine.

"Steve. I... We've found him."

"Wait for me; I'm com-"

"No. Steve. Don't. I've got this. " Natasha says, her voice breaking.

Sitting in the dirt with his back against a wall, Steve loses track of time. He hears the Quinjets come and go to take away the last men and women working for Hydra. They were too late. The intel where Hydra kept the Winter Soldier was accurate for once. The rumors were that he was already dead, and Natasha's choked voice confirmed what Steve had feared the most. They - no, _he_ \- was too late. They were in the middle of nowhere in Indiana - _how ironic_. Steve huffs; it would definitely be Hydra's kind of humor to kill the Winter Soldier just a few miles from where James Buchanan Barnes was born – _monsters, that’s just what they are._ Natasha's alarmed voice startles him.

"Steve. He's… he's still alive," Natasha is panting. "Oh my god. Steve. We gotta take him outta here. STAT."

~*~

"For the 900thtime, Steve, let me put this to you as easily as my exhausted genius mind can before it shuts down and implodes: Hydra fried your friend’s brain. Look at him, he can’t even breathe on his own. He might never regain consciousness. God knows what kind of serum Zola-palooza pumped into him to make him survive _twice_ the lethal amount of electric current. That would have killed any normal human being, and the bastards sent it directly to his brain.” Tony looks apologetically at Steve, huffs a breath of air, and scratches the back of his head.    

Sargent Barnes – _Bucky –_ lies in Avengers Tower’s ICU, life support equipment beeping around him. Since being left for dead at the secret base, everything that could be done to help him, had been done.  When they found him, he was still attached to the chair. The computers in the filthy room still flickered with sickly green light, displaying huge levels of drugs, voltage, amperage, and the procedures performed on the ex-Winter Soldier who dared to desert the organization after the events at the Triskelion.

Steve isn't sure whether it's been a week or a month since they found his best friend. What he knows is that it's been several hours of surgery, either to reduce Bucky's intracranial pressure or to fix a tracheotomy tube to support his breathing. Several more hours to remove the cybernetic arm which had apparently slowly poisoned him, probably for years, if what Tony says is right. The many tubes and drains coming in and out of his friend make Steve's heart sink in his chest each time he looks at his best friend. He closes his eyes but can't stop the tears.

"Listen," Tony says with an unusual softness. "I've read the file. I know what he did. Believe it or not, I'm not the selfish, heartless man you think I am. I know he had no choice.  I've contacted T'Challa in Wakanda; Shuri is on her way. We'll work together and do everything we can to bring him back. But let me be clear - even you, with all of the Erskine almighty super serum in your veins, couldn't recover from what he underwent without permanent damage."

Steve nods, but he can’t stop the small frown forming on his face even though he knows Tony has been more than helpful, especially considering what the Winter Soldier did to his parents.

"Tony, is there anything I can do? Anything?"

Tony shrugs in defeat.

"Pray," Tony answers flatly.

"But I stopped believing in God a while ago."

"Then talk to him. Maybe there's still a part of him that will recognize your voice." As he speaks, Tony turns on his heels and leaves the room without looking back. Steve returns to Bucky’s side, carding his fingers through the side of Bucky’s hair that hadn’t been shaved for surgery. He picks up the chair that has been sitting in the corner of the room and brings it closer to the bed. He takes Bucky’s hand and rubs it gently before kissing it softly. After long minutes filled with noises coming from the heart monitor and the ventilator pushing air into his friend’s lungs, Steve clears his throat and begins.

“Your name is James Buchannan Barnes. You were born on March 10th, 1917…”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Steve sits in the back of the Quinjet along with Wanda and scrolls through the numerous texts Shuri sent him. She promised Steve to keep him updated on Bucky's condition while he was away on a mission. Ten days ago, she gave him a glimmer of hope when she came up with a possible solution to help with cell regeneration.  The drug is still experimental and so far hasn’t shown any significant results on regular humans but Shuri was optimistic to try it on someone who had received a form of the super soldier serum. Based on what Steve reads, Bucky is still not showing any signs of recovery, but the good news was that his condition is now stabilized enough to be transferred from the ICU to a regular room on the medical wing at the Avengers' Tower.

The flight back to New York takes forever even though Natasha and Clint are pushing the jet to its full speed. As soon as they land, Steve rushes out to see Bucky. He pushes the massive doors to access the medical wing, and Shuri is right there to welcome him.

"Captain Rogers," she starts as she catches up with Steve's fast pace. "Your friend is still unconscious, but the good news is that the monitor didn't record any more seizure activity, which means either the drug we injected him is starting to work or that we just found the right dosage of Dilantin.  He had a fever two days ago caused by a lung infection, but he's responding well to the antibiotics.”

"Where is he?"

"We've put him in another room. We still need to keep close observation, but you two will be more comfortable."

"Us two?" Steve inquires, uncertain.

"That ICU room with no window was so depressing. I don't know how you stayed there by his side for that many weeks."

Steve stops and looks at her. "The only place in the world that I want to be is by his side."

"Then let me take you to his room." Shuri places a hand on Steve's arm and leads him to Bucky's room. That's when he gets self-conscious about the fact that he's still wearing his dirty uniform and that he stinks. His discomfort doesn't go unnoticed.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y? Can you send someone with clean clothes for the Captain?" She pushes a heavy door, and Steve follows her.

The room is filled with natural light coming from the window. The bright sun rays are filtered by sheered curtains, creating a comforting glow. The sounds of the monitors had been turned off, and light music is coming from hidden speakers.

"Did you do this?" Steve asks Shuri, touched by her thoughtfulness.

She looks at him affectionately. "I thought you two could use some privacy." A hint of sadness passes through her dark eyes when she looks at Bucky lying in bed before returning her attention to Steve.

"Captain Rogers. I understand that this man means a lot to you. We've done everything that we could. Now, only time will tell. He's stable but hasn't shown any signs of improvement yet. Make good use of the time you stay by his side. Hold on to the happy memories to honor the man that he once was. Neglecting yourself won't help him."  

She exits the room, leaving Steve wondering how such a young soul can have so much wisdom. Grateful for all that she’s done so far, Steve waits with a soft smile until the door closes behind Shuri. He walks by Bucky's bed and leans over him to kiss his forehead. The fresh smell of soap fills Steve’s nostrils. He’s thankful for the nurses who took good care of his friend while he was away, and makes a mental note to send flowers to the team.

"Hey Buck," he whispers gently. "How've you been?" He begins by telling him about the mission he just completed and how he missed him. The only answer he gets in return is the repetitive sound of the ventilator, but he goes on with all the details anyway until someone knocks on the door and gives him clean and comfortable clothes.  He uses the small bathroom to freshen up before going back to Bucky's side. That's when he notices the music playing in the background. Long-forgotten memories flood his heart with the force of a river in spring.   

_'Things are mending now._

_I see a rainbow blending now._

_We'll have a happy ending now._

_Taking a chance on love.'_  

 

"F.R.I.D.A.Y? Where does that music come from?"

"Pardon me, sir. Miss Shuri suggested music that you and Sargent Barnes might appreciate. You are currently listening to the 40's music station on satellite radio. Would you prefer something else?"

"No. No, that's fine. That's... That song - It's Benny Goodman and his orchestra."  Steve smiles. He remembers that night like it was yesterday. " Can you raise the volume a little?"

He sits on Bucky's bed, just by his side and gently runs his fingers through his newly-cut hair. Someone had washed it and cut it so that the length would blend with the shaved side.

"You look good Buck," Steve says with a fond expression. "But that will never beat that night you showed up all dressed up in your new uniform." Steve laughs nervously and runs his hand over his face. He feels his neck flush. He lowers his head to hide a shy smile as he remembers how beautiful Bucky looked that day. « That Bennie Goodman song was all over the radio stations. It was at the top of the chart back in June 1943. That's Helen Forrest's voice you hear on this track. Remember how I used to love her, especially after she stood her ground and refused to sing where Billie Holliday couldn't sing because of her skin color?" Steve sighs. "Oh, Buck. Some things have changed, and some didn't change that much, you know. People, now, are just so damn good at pretending they're politically correct as they say nowadays.  I wished you could see it... Anyway, turned out Goodman was just as abusive as you and I suspected. Good thing she left him and went with Harry James." Steve rambles a few more minutes nervously, avoiding the real point. He pauses when he realizes what he’s doing.  He turns his head away while he replays the scene in his head.

"June 14th, 1943. That night was the first night I saw you all dressed up in your uniform. You went and picked our dates while I was getting my ass beaten in a back alley - as usual, you would say. I know, I know." Steve sighs. "You had received your orders earlier that day and were shipping to England first thing the next morning. Buck, all I wanted to do was to do my part. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had listened to you. Where would you be now? Maybe you wouldn't have fallen off that train. Maybe..." Steve remains silent a moment lost in his thoughts. "Then again, who would have saved you and the 107th back in Austria?" Steve huffs, lifts his head up and looks out the window. The sun is setting on Manhattan while Dinah Shore starts signing I'll Walk Alone.

_'I'll walk alone, they'll ask me why and I'll tell them I'd rather_

_There are dreams I must gather_

_Dreams we fashioned the night you held me tight_

_I'll always be near you wherever you are each night_

_In every prayer_

_If you call I'll hear you, no matter how far_

_Just close your eyes and I'll be there.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Taking a Chance on Love", song by Vernon Duke with lyrics by John La Touche and Ted Fetter, published in 1940. The version Steve hears on the radio is a Benny Goodman cover featuring Helen Forrest.
> 
> "I'll Walk Alone" , music by Jule Styne and lyrics by Sammy Cahn, sung by Dinah Shore.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve enters Bucky's room with his breakfast in a paper bag and a large cup of coffee. 

"G'morning Buck! F.R.I.D.A.Y? Please, put on the 40's Junction radio station."

Glenn Miller's Orchestra starts playing. Steve swaggers along with the swing rhythm. He had a good night’s sleep - the first in a while. He went to get a fresh haircut and a shave earlier this morning.  They had reached a significant milestone yesterday. For the first time, Bucky had shown some sort of brain activity. Because of the widespread damage inflicted by Hydra, Bucky was still in a profound coma state - entirely unconscious and unaware of his surroundings. However, last night, he had his first period of unresponsive alertness. He groaned, and his one remaining hand had twitched numerous times. The doctors said those were mostly reflex responses but that was enough to give Steve hope.

Steve bends over and reaches in his backpack for the new sketchbook he had bought on his way back to the Tower. He starts drawing while tapping his foot to the upbeat rhythm of Juke Box Saturday Night.

"Buck, remember that night back in '42 when you took us at McSorely's? You spent the night trying to impress those two French girls who were visiting an uncle. One of them was called Regina Turcotte. And for once, her cousin, Olivette, wasn't trying to pretend I wasn't there. We had a lovely night until you brought us dancing and made me look like a fool. You knew I had two left feet - ended up stepping on Olivette's toes a few times before she got tired of me and went dancing with a tall Irish guy. Well, maybe not that tall considering I was only 5’4’’ back then. » Steve smiles as he remembers the night. "I didn't mind, to be honest. You knew I only had my eyes on some tall dark-haired brunette and you told me that night that you preferred my small blond head to any French girls." Steve feels the hot blush on his cheeks.  He extends his arm and rubs Bucky's chest gently before returning to his sketch.

"She - Regina I mean - got married to a trumpet player who later fought with the Royal 22nd Regiment. Remember those guys? We could always count on them while we were in Europe. It's amazing all the information we can find now on this the Internet. Bucky, you'll be blown away when you’ll see this!"

Steve stops talking and looks at his friend. He feels his heart squeeze in his chest. The doctors keep telling him about the possibilities of Bucky never waking up from his coma. In the slight chance that he did, the damage to his nervous system meant he was never going to be the same. Steve’s voice is just a whisper when he continues. "God, Bucky. I wish you could see the world now. So many things you would love. It's not perfect, will never be, but men like us don't have to hide anymore." Steve wipes a tear that had started forming in the corner of his eye. "We could even get married now if we wanted to."  He gets lost in his thought while Dick Haymes sings starts singing on the radio. 

_'You'll never know just how much I love you,_

_You'll never know just how much I care._

_And if I tried_

_I still couldn't hide.'_

"Do you know what that song reminds me, Buck? That same night, when we got back to our place. You took my hand and put your arm around my waist and made me dance. You said it was for my own good to learn how to dance with the dames. We both knew all I wanted was for you to lead me. I remember how good you smelled that night. You had put on some cologne," Steve huffs and smile. "You used to love this stuff. You would save it for special occasions. That single bottle must have last you for years." Steve lowers his head and stares at his clutched hands. “That's the night we kissed for the first time. You tasted like cigarettes and bourbon." Steve turns his head away. His sad blue eyes linger over the skyline before he looks back to his lover's pale face. "Bucky?" Steve's voice breaks. "I miss you so much. Please, Bucky. Come back. Don't leave me here. I'm not sure I can go on without you."

As if life is listening to Steve’s sadness, the sky goes dark outside. The rain falls, and the mellow jazz playing in the room accompanies Steve’s melancholic string of thoughts. 

He remains quiet for most of the day except to help the nursing staff with some of the tasks involved in Bucky's condition. Since everyone had received the instruction to give Captain Rogers and Sargent Barnes as much privacy as possible, Steve startles when he hears a knock on the door.  The day-shift nurse had just left, and he wasn't expecting any visitors.

"Hey. Can I come in? Heard you were in a good mood this morning so I thought it might be the right time to ask your help to get that cute nurse's phone number."

Sam Wilson enters the room with a delicate bouquet of flowers in one hand and a tray with two large coffees on the other. He leaves them on the unused rolling table along with the flowers and hugs Steve who clutches to Sam tighter and longer than expected.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa there. What's wrong, my friend? Thought you were having a good day. The nurses at the station said there were some small changes in his condition last night." Steve lets go of his friend, and Sam puts a hand over his heart and pretends to be offended and continues with a theatrical voice. "Steve, tell me the truth, did they lie to me?"

But Steve doesn’t answer. Instead, he returns near Bucky's bed and sits on the edge of his chair so he can take Bucky's hand in his. He rubs his thumb gently in Bucky's palm before bringing it closer to kiss it affectionately, well aware of Sam's presence. He can no longer bear the weight of those secret memories deeply buried in himself.

Sam walks closer to Steve and places a hand on his shoulder.

"He was more than just a friend, wasn't he?"

Steve nods slowly and lowers his head on his chest as tears start rolling down his face.  No one knew about the love they had for one another. No one would have accepted it back in the day.  It became second nature to both of them to hide their feelings so that no one suspected anything.

"Hey. Steve. It's alright. You don't have to keep it all to yourself. I'm your friend; you know you can trust me. No one will judge you for loving another man. And if anyone says anything about it, they'll have to deal with me. And Pepper. And Natasha - ugh, no one would want that, would they?"

Steve huffs, smiles through his tears and wipes his eyes.

"Come on now. You're a total emotional mess." He gently forces Steve to sit back in the armchair next to Bucky’s bed. "Here, have some coffee. Black, just like you like it." Sam steps aside, stretches to grab the coffee tray but sees the other cold coffee Steve had half drunk and left aside. "Or not. Want me to run next door and get you something else? Then we'll sit, and you'll tell me everything about you two. " Sam lifts his hands up and pretends to frame a front page title. "The secret life of Captain America, by Sam Wilson, yours truly."

Sam’s contagious smile makes Steve feels a lightness in his chest. He accepts Sam’s coffee and sips the hot beverage. To the rhythm of the music, Steve starts telling Sam their story. Steve, who never talked about any of this to anyone, is surprised how easy and natural it is to talk to Sam about Bucky and him. How they had to hide and pretend they were nothing more than just close friends. With the weight of years of secrets and deception lifted from his shoulders, he feels waves of gratitude toward Sam for allowing him to unburden himself.

When Steve gets up to place his empty cup in the trash can, he leans over and places a tender kiss on Bucky's dry lips. To be allowed to show affection to the man he's been in love with for so long in front of someone else, felt somehow exhilarating. 

_‘I live in a dream for a moment_

_We'd loved in a midnight solitude.’_

When Parker's saxophone and Gillespie's trumpet start playing, and Sarah "Sassy" Vaughan begins to sing Interlude, Steve is right in the middle of a story relating one night back during the war. The Commandos were lost somewhere in Europe. Once they had found a shelter, the lack of electricity necessitated all kinds of solutions to get warm during the cold winter night.

"Oh! No! Stop right there!" Sam covers his ears. "Oh my God, I've awakened the beast. Steve, don't ruin my childhood idealistic image of Captain America. Aww man," he rubs his face and presses two knuckles against his eyes. "That's it, you did it. Now I can't take that picture out of my head!"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You'll Never Know", music written by Harry Warren and the lyrics by Mack Gordon. It was recorded in 1943 by Dick Haymes. His version became a number one hit for four weeks on the Billboard.
> 
> "A Night in Tunisia" or "Night in Tunisia" is a musical composition written by Dizzy Gillespie around 1941-2. It is also known as "Interlude", under which title it was recorded with lyrics written by Raymond Leveen, by Sarah Vaughan.


	4. Chapter 4

On Friday afternoon, Natasha and Clint stroll through the doors, ready to pay Steve and Bucky a visit.Sam, who arrived earlier, is ranting about Bucky getting all the good stories while he ends up with the boring medical stuff. The 40's music station is on, and the singular voice of Edith Piaf tells about her Legionnaire which reminds Steve of Jacque Denier.  When he starts telling stories about the Howling Commandos, everyone in the room stops and listens to Steve. They all grew up learning about the Howling Commandos' exploits in history class, but hearing them directly from Steve Rogers is somehow surreal. He tells them how Bucky and he escaped the facility where the 107th was kept prisoner before it blew up and walked all the way back to Italy along with some of the 150 men who were captured by Hydra.

"Even though we had walked more than 30 miles the previous days to reach the SSR base, it only took them two days to move us swiftly down the toe of Italy. Our mission was to ease the pressure on the airborne troops at Taranto and to support the US 5th Army who was in trouble in Salerno. We pushed forward through the mountains and helped the Canadians take Potenza. Bucky had such a good eye. He would flush out every stubborn sniper in every village we crossed." He looks at Bucky fondly with heartwarming pride.  "The battle continued day and night. The Nazis were skillful and used every defensive advantage they had."

"But the Howling Commandos had Captain America and his shield!" Clint says enthusiastically.

"Yes, and we had the best sharpshooter. Bucky was the real leader of the Commandos." Steve gets up to be closer to Bucky. He caresses the side of Bucky's face gently and continues, murmuring, “remember what you kept saying? - There'll always be one more hill to climb one more river to cross, but we'll make it home."  Steve leans in, presses his forehead against Bucky's and closes his eyes. He remains like this for a moment then whispers only for Bucky - "You're home now."  

Everyone in the room busies themselves until Steve walks away from the bed to stand by the window.  The autumn sun is setting on Manhattan skyline, giving Bucky's room a warm but melancholic ambiance. Everyone is silent for a moment while Judy Garland sings.

_'I could leave the old days behind_

_Leave all my pals, I'd never mind_

_I could start my life all a new_

_If I had you.'_

 

"Uh, Steve?"

Steve comes out of his reverie and looks at Clint. His heart stops when he sees the bewilderment all over his friends' faces.

"Steve, look," Natasha points at Bucky's bed and takes a few hesitant steps.  Alarmed, Steve turns on his heels and rushes to Bucky's side.

Bucky's eyes are open. He seems lost and confused. He starts gasping for air as his heartbeat accelerates dramatically. He gets even more agitated when two nurses rush into the room to assess the situation and administer sedatives to Bucky to calm him down until the doctor comes in. Steve talks to Bucky and tries to reassure him but in vain. Bucky is totally disoriented and unresponsive until Steve makes his way through the staff and starts caressing Bucky's hair. He checks Bucky's heart rate on the monitor and is relieved when it starts slowing down.

"Shhh – shhh, Bucky, it's me; Steve. I'm right here. You're with me. You're safe. Shhh... It's ok. It's ok. You're gonna be ok."  Steve keeps rambling reassuring words to Bucky while the drugs take effect. After long minutes, Bucky finally looks at Steve.

Steve clutches Bucky's hand and smiles, but tears keep rolling down from his eyes.

"Hey," is all that Steve manage to say with his heart about ready to explode. 

Bucky closes his eyes slowly but reopens them a few seconds later.  He looks unsure and lost. He vaguely scans his surroundings but always goes back to Steve's eyes. 

"It's me, Steve. I'm your friend. Do you - do you remember me?"

"Steve, it might be too so-" but Sam stops when Bucky closes his eyes, makes a slight nod, and looks back at Steve. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If I Had You" is a 1928 song by "Irving King" - Jimmy Campbell and Reg Connelly - with Ted Shapiro. Many version were recorded. The one they listen to is Judy Garland's version recorded with The Merry Macs for Decca Records July 7, 1945.


	5. Chapter 5

Like Tony had predicted, Shuri's serum wasn't enough to repair all the damage done to Bucky's nervous system. After waking up, it took several days for Bucky to breathe on his own. Once the surgeons removed the trach tube, Bucky was still unable to talk or to swallow his food. His weight dropped dramatically, and they had to send him back to the OR to install a PEG tube through his abdominal wall and into his stomach. As soon as his condition stabilized, the rehabilitation started.

Cognitive-behavioral rehabilitation and passive and active physical therapy, all things Steve had never heard of before, became Bucky's daily routine. At first, Steve would be by Bucky's side every step of the way. Two months went by before Bucky was strong enough to be transferred in an adapted electric wheelchair that he could navigate with his one remaining arm. That was when Steve noticed Bucky becoming more self-conscious about his limitations and uncomfortable in front of Steve. After one particular hard session where Bucky categorically refused to cooperate with the therapist, Steve understood that he wasn't wanted there anymore.  Bucky's inability to communicate only made things more difficult for the both of them. With a broken heart filled with the perception of being rejected that Steve had walked back to his floor.

Since that moment, Steve keeps telling himself that Bucky needs his space and time to adjust, and if anyone in the whole world deserves that, it's Bucky. Days turn into weeks and into months of rehabilitation.  Steve visits Bucky every evening but leaves before Bucky's auxiliary nurse comes in to help him with his nightly routine.  They listen to the 40's music station, and Steve talks about their younger days but never goes further than when Bucky fell off the train.  It’s established with simple questions with either “yes” or “no” responses that Bucky has absolutely no memory of his time with Hydra, and in a way, Steve is grateful for Shuri's serum not being fully effective. Every night, when Steve leaves, he hugs Bucky who falls in his embrace like someone who's been deprived of touch for many years - too many years. Even though Bucky makes it clear in his own way that he wants to be as independent as possible, he still wants Steve in his life.  When Steve sits by him, he clumsily reaches with his shaking hand for Steve's arm. When Steve caresses his hair and lets his fingers trace the side of his face, Bucky leans into the touch and smiles softly with his eyes closed. All those little things, not to mention the cute little huffs of air that Bucky makes when he laughs, brighten Steve's days and makes him wonder how much love for this man his heart can possibly hold before it explodes.

~*~

"Now someone got up on the right side of the bed this morning!"

Sam walks out of the elevator door in Steve's apartment that occupies a whole floor, thanks to Tony Stark's conception of the minimal things needed in a superhero's life.  The mellow voice of Vaughn Monroe sings 'Seems Like Old Times' to the sound of his Big Band.

Steve is putting the last touch to his redecorated quarters. When Bucky let Steve know that he wanted to move in with him, Steve had decided to give a warmer look to his neutral modernistic decor.  He spent days visiting old bookstores and antique stores to find objects to remind Bucky of his past life and hopefully make him feel comfortable in this new modern world to which he was adapting rather well, given the circumstances.

The place has been modified to Bucky's reduced mobility with the help of the occupational therapist, and if things go as planned, Bucky should transfer into his new room later that day. 

Steve wipes the sweat off his forehead and hugs Sam.

"Ugh, you stink! Better shower before your loverboy rolls in."

“I still have a few more errands to do. I want it to be perfect, Sam."

"Steve, relax. Everything is fine. The place is beautiful. Damn, I'd move in with you anytime, but I don’t want to disturb you two lovebirds. What is Bucky up to, today?"

"Um, today is speech therapy," Steve answers nervously.

"C'mon Steve, he's making progress right? You said it yourself."

Steve sighs. Speech therapy day usually rhymes with bad day. Bucky hates it and still gets frustrated with his inability to communicate verbally after all those months.  But Sam is right; he's been making progress, especially since Tony provided him with a tablet adapted with images of everyday life. The icons were designed big enough for Bucky to hit them with his partially paralyzed hand. Tony came up with an algorithm that leads from one image to a succession of predictive images allowing Bucky to have a basic conversation and express his needs. The way Steve understands Tony's nonsense, it’s like the text prediction option on a smartphone except with images. Bucky also uses basic one-handed ASL for short words like yes or no, please or thanks, good, or sad or pain... but his difficulty to moves his fingers makes the use of sign language very limited.

Last time Shuri came to New York to check on Bucky, she updated his tablet with more apps that gained Bucky’s affection. She added a list of short videos of some highlights of the last decades, short how-it-works clips which fascinate Bucky's vivid mind, and all the award-winning movies since WW2. She also made sure to add some old black and white footage of Steve's time with the USO tours, even rarer images of Howard Stark’s malfunctioning flying car. Bucky laughs every time he watches them. And because playing traditional board games made her bend over in laughter, she made sure Bucky had all kind of game apps to occupy his time. But to Steve's pride, Bucky's favorite occupation was still listening to Steve's voice recalling memories to the rhythm of the 40's music station.

~*~

Bucky arrives early in the evening, right after Steve had dinner and threw Sam out of his place. He looks exhausted and a little nervous but still manages to put on a stoic face - the same face that would have made Steve believe that everything was fine even when it wasn't, back in the days.

The view over Manhattan is majestic from Steve's living room window wall, and Bucky spends most of the night staring closely at life happening outside. He startles when Steve walks close to him and asks him if he'd like to go out tomorrow.

"We could arrange for adapted transportation and go visit Brooklyn. Maybe have a picnic in Prospect Park. Our old neighborhood looks nothing like it used to, you'd probably wouldn't recognize any of it, neither did I, but-"

Bucky lowers his head and looks away. After a moment of reflection, he starts shaking his head repeatedly and rubbing his chest in circles with his closed fist. 'Sorry.' Shameful, he keeps avoiding Steve's face.

"Hey, Buck. It's okay, don't be sorry. We'll go only when you're ready, alright?"

After a moment. Bucky glances at Steve rapidly and looks down again. He sighs heavily and does a barely visible sign with his hand. 'Yes.' He rolls his chair away to his room and leaves Steve with the sting of failure and the sinking feeling of incompetence.

Later that same night, Steve knocks on Bucky's half-opened door and asks permission before he walks in with a reusable bottle of water with a straw. Bucky has changed his shirt and transferred all by himself to his bed to Steve's amazement. He is listening to music via one of the apps that Shuri added on his tablet.

_'You'll never know just how much I love you,_

_You'll never know just how much I care._

_And if I tried_

_I still couldn't hide.'_

_..._

_You went away, and my heart went with you_

_I speak your name in my every prayer_

_If there is some other way_

_To prove that I love you_

_I swear I don't know how_

_You'll never know if you don't know now.'_

 

"Still like this one, don't you?"

Bucky huffs and smiles, almost shyly.

"Remember that night we danced to this song?"

Bucky frowns as he tries to remember the night he and Steve first kissed. When the memory comes back to the surface, he looks at Steve straight in the eyes and nods yes with a soft smile.

"You could have made every single girl dance that night at that speakeasy. But - but you didn't, and waited until we were back at our place to dance with me."

Bucky nods as his cheeks flush pink as he remembers.

At that moment, Steve kneels near Bucky's bed and offers his hand.

"Would you like to dance? Um - with me?"

Bucky squints. He looks hesitant at first, but then his face brightens with a broad smile, and he nods 'yes.'

Steve gets up on his feet and carefully bends over Bucky. He places one strong arm under Bucky's legs and the other around his upper back and lifts him up easily, cradling him close. Bucky rests his head on Steve's chest and uneasily wraps his weak arm around Steve's neck as Steve starts swinging slowly to the rhythm of the music. They dance to the voices of many late artists, and Steve’s trying to recall their names when Bucky’s warm, slow breaths on his neck bring him back to the present. Steve gently lays Bucky down on the bed, already fast asleep, and kisses him softly.

"'Night Buck. I'm glad you're home."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, "You'll Never Know", music written by Harry Warren and the lyrics by Mack Gordon. It was recorded in 1943 by Dick Haymes. His version became a number one hit for four weeks on the Billboard.


	6. Chapter 6

Domestic life quickly settles in. To Steve's surprise, an unwritten rule forms among the Avengers: when he leaves for a mission, one of them will stay at the tower with Bucky. For some unknown reasons, Sam's turn seems to come more often than not. Steve is grateful to Sam and couldn't ask for more, but he starts suspecting the two are up to something when Sam starts showing up every day at 3pm even when Steve isn't away, saving the world. Sam and Bucky usually leave without telling Steve where they’re going and come back around 5 o’clock. When he asks what they are up to and if he could join them, Bucky just nods his head to Sam who innocently answers that it’s none of his business.

On the 4th of July, everyone gathers to celebrate Steve's birthday. Even Thor is there for the special occasion.  Natasha and Clint are in charge of the bar. Tony tries to convince Steve for the 100th time to let him create a cybernetic arm for his boyfriend, to which Steve explains for the 100th time that not only it isn't his decision to make, but that Bucky had already made it clear that he didn't want any kind of surgery for now.

"Tony, maybe you should have this conversation with the person it concerns, don't you think?" Bruce Banner tries in a vain attempt to change the topic of the discussion.

"Speaking of Buckaroo, where is he? Why isn't there any more whiskey in my glass? Clint!" Tony gets up from the couch where he was sitting by Steve in the common floor of the Tower and walks to the bar.

The elevator bings and the doors slide open on Sam and Bucky. A brief moment of jealousy flits by when Steve sees they’ve had fun together, but he quickly shakes off the ridiculousness of that thought.

"What's up everyone! Thor!" Sam walks to him and hugs him with one arm. "I hope you brought some of your precious Asgardian mead because Cap’s gonna need it!" Sam goes back to Bucky's side and leans over him. They talk in private a short moment while the other Avengers stop doing whatever they're doing and gather around the couch where Steve is sitting.

"What? What’s with that look on your face?  You're all conspiring against me now?" Steve asks with a nervous laugh.

"Sam! I think Cap is ready for his birthday present," Clint shouts from across the room.

Sam bends over Bucky who wraps his arm around Sam’s neck. 

Steve frowns, unsure of what he's seeing.

"Sam -" Steve's tone of voice betrays his trepidation.

But Sam pulls himself up with Bucky clutching tightly to him. It takes a few seconds for Bucky to steady himself, and let go of Sam. Sam steps away. He picks up Bucky’s cane and offers it to him, but Bucky refuses.

With unstable and shaky legs, Bucky makes one step, then another, and another towards Steve. Sam stays by his side, ready to intervene in case he loses his balance. At one point, Bucky starts to struggle, and Steve springs out of the couch to help, but Thor's strong arm stops him. Bucky, with a drop of sweat running down his face, looks even more determined, and signs 'stop'. Sam gently slips the cane to Bucky. He grabs the handle to stabilize himself, and slowly, he closes the distance separating him and Steve. 

Exhausted but with pride all over his face, Bucky reaches the couch and crashes onto it to the acclamations of everyone in the room.  Steve is overwhelmed as emotions crash into him. He suddenly feels the weight of all the events that occurred since they found Bucky left for dead in the filthy Hydra base. He slumps down beside Bucky and cries all the tears he has. 

It takes a moment before Steve becomes aware of Thor's strong, comforting hand on his shoulder. He hears Margaret Whiting’s muffled voice singing ‘If I had You’ on the speakers while Tony stands in front of him, offering him a glass filled with golden mead. Natasha asks Bucky if he'd also like to have a drink to celebrate; having left his tablet by his wheelchair, he signs 'yes - please' and points at Steve's glass. 

Delighted, Thor exclaims with his powerful voice, “This, my friend, is the drink of Gods! And the worthy warrior that you are deserves to taste Asgard's heritage!"

They all spend the night together. Steve, light-headed and lighthearted, can't let go of Bucky. He holds Bucky tightly in his arms and dances to the sound of the 40’s radio station until everyone else is gone to bed and the lights are down. 

_‘I could climb a snow-capped mountain_

_Sail the mighty ocean wide_

_I could cross the burning desert_

_If I had you by my side_

_I could be a king, dear, uncrowned_

_Humble or poor, rich or renowned_

_There is nothin' I couldn't do_

_If I had you.’_

Bucky gives Steve little tickling kisses here and there on his neck. They both start laughing and crash on the couch. Bucky snuggles his head into the crook of Steve's neck and places his hand over Steve's muscular chest. His middle and ring fingers are bent, leaving his thumb, index and pinkie fingers flat over Steve's heart – his silent way to tell Steve that he loves him.  With a choked voice, Steve murmurs into Bucky's ear.

"I love you too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, "If I Had You" is a 1928 song by "Irving King" - Jimmy Campbell and Reg Connelly - with Ted Shapiro. Many version were recorded. This time they're listening to Margaret Whiting's version that was recorded in the mid 50's.


	7. Epilogue

The Quinjet's engines roar into the night. Steve is sitting in the back, along with Bruce, Clint and Wanda while Natasha is in the cockpit. Tony said he would meet them in Wakanda, but first, he needed to take care of something with Sam.

"Please, be careful out there, Sam," Steve prays. He reaches toward his back for the comforting presence of his shield- just an old reflex - but it belongs to Sam Wilson now. Wanda catches his movement from the corner of her eye and asks with a fond smile if he's okay.

"Yes. It's just - I feel lighter. Thank you, Wanda." 

He slips his fingers into the inner pocket of his jacket and pulls out Bucky's letters. Three months ago, Bucky went to Wakanda on Shuri's request to try a new experimental serum to help him with his recovery. It's the first time he’s separated from Bucky for such an extended period since the Avengers rescued the Winter Soldier two years ago, and Steve has felt like he was missing a part of himself since. 

Steve unfolds the first letter. It's all wrinkled from being in his pocket every day. Bucky's shaky, irregular, almost childlike handwriting is hard to read. Just a few words to tell Steve that he's well and that he received the first of three shots of Shuri's serum.

When the second letter arrived, Steve had just handed over his shield to Sam. His own words still resonate in his ears, quiet and earnest; I’ve had a good run, Sam, but it’s time for me to step down, and I can’t think of anyone more deserving of the Captain America title than you.

Steve's eyes fly over Bucky's words, which he’d committed to memory. Bucky's handwriting was still shaky but showed signs of improvement.

 

_Dear Steve,_

  
_I had a talk with Shuri today. I thanked her for everything that she did for me. After a lot of thinking, I have decided not to continue with the treatment. I hope that                  you will understand._

_I've had lots of nightmares since the first shot. ~~I rem~~ \- I think I remember some bits of when I was kept prisoner after I felt from the train. The pain, the torture... Steve, I know you probably didn't tell me everything.  I'm sure there is more._

_Don't worry Punk, I won't hold a grudge against you for that._

_I'm afraid if I go on with the treatment, I'll remember more, and I don't want that. I prefer to stay the way I am.  Please, don't think any less of me. I do my best every day to make you proud._

_Your Bucky_  
_P.S. I'd take a ride back home if you're not too busy. Maybe you could use some time off yourself. It is beautiful out here._

 

Steve folds the letter and places it back into his inner pocket, wondering how he could ever think less of the man he’s about to propose to. His fingers gently brush over two rings Tony made out of a piece of Vibranium after Steve’s request.

~*~

The afternoon sunrays filter through the pergola under which Steve is standing, giving its rich wood a golden glow.  The light breeze is filled with the sublime smell of the palace's luxurious gardens. Steve lowers his eyes and smiles. His mother, Sarah, would have loved to see this, and even though she belongs to the past, Steve is sure that she would have approved of what he is about to do.

Steve takes a moment to look at the guests taking place in the garden and feels his heart swell with sincere gratitude.  All of his friends are here along with Princess Shuri and King T'Challa and his entourage. On Okoye's order, the Dora Milaje form an honor guard.  The rich and soulful voice of one of the Ancients starts singing a traditional Wakandan song. She is rapidly joined by all the members of the community present for the special occasion.

Okoye's voice calls out another order and the honor guard breaks in two. Bucky appears all dressed in white linen clothes. A traditional Wakandan blue scarf is wrapped around his neck and covers his left empty sleeve. He stands at the and of the aisle formed by the King's guards. When Steve catches his eyes, Bucky smiles back at him and runs his hand timidly through his new short hair. In the three months he’d spent in Wakanda, Bucky had gained strength and weight, but pride and determination had always been there. Underneath all the scars both physical and mental that Bucky might be sporting, he’s still the proud man who came to Steve’s defense in that back alley, all dressed up in his new uniform the night before he was shipped off to war. ‘Til the end of the line’ is what they had promised each other.

Bucky hobbles slowly to Steve without anyone's help, only reaching for Steve's arm when he's next to him. Steve lays a soft kiss on Bucky's clean-shaven cheek before letting go of his hand so Bucky can sign. He communicates without his tablet now; thanks to Shuri's serum, his hand dexterity has considerably improved making his signing more fluent. When Steve proposes for him to sit, Bucky refuses to do so until Okoye orders the Dora Milaje to stand down and T'Challa himself sits. The knowing smile Okoye shares with Bucky tells a lot of the profound mutual respect the two soldiers have for each other.

After receiving the Ancients' benediction and exchanging the rings, Steve, thoughtful, takes Bucky's hand in his and looks at the metal band around their fingers. Everyone is cheering for them and clamors for a kiss. The laugh lines at the corner of Bucky's eyes weren't there when he left for the war back in 1943. So many times Steve had thought they had reached the end of the line; either when he heard about Bucky being POW, or when he fell off the train. When Steve crashed the Valkyrie into the cold ocean or when he fought the Winter Soldier who had no recollection of who he was. When they found his friend left for dead, and all those nights he spent by his side without any signs of hope for a recovery.  So many endings, and yet, so many new beginnings.

Steve kisses Bucky and clings to his new husband, refusing to let him go. His heart sinks when he hears Bucky's soft voice. He slurs to the point that Steve can't make out all of the words he says, but it’s still the most beautiful thing Steve heard in years.

They remain in each other arms, time standing still. Steve starts humming ‘You’ll never know,’ and life around them continues while they sway slowly to their favorite song. At one point, Bucky murmurs “They know now,” and chuckles.

 

_You'll never know just how much I love you,_

_You'll never know just how much I care._

_And if I tried_

_I still couldn't hide_

_My love for you_

_You ought to know_

_For haven't I told you so_

_A million or more times?_

_You went away, and my heart went with you_

_I speak your name in my every prayer_

_If there is some other way_

_To prove that I love you_

_I swear I don't know how_

_You'll never know if you don't know now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, "You'll Never Know", music written by Harry Warren and the lyrics by Mack Gordon. It was recorded in 1943 by Dick Haymes among others. His version became a number one hit for four weeks on the Billboard.


End file.
